Whiskers
by Absoluteroro
Summary: When Naruto relives some painful memories from the past concerning his former lover, he lightly touches on the subject of his existence. Questioning is it all worth it.


"Blood is rushing through my veins.

I got the power, channel the energy, and with my strength I will devour.

Sickening thoughts is running through my head, that's when I realize...

I'm glad I'm not dead."

He liked it when I hurt him, he always has, and always will.

The first time we came together intimately, he hit me, but then, he hit himself, and now, now...it's up to me.

And sometimes, as my fists were meeting with his beautifully structured cheek-bones, I would like it too, but only because it made me feel needed.

I knew he needed me, he needed me to hit him.

It was his drug, and I was his supplier.

It felt good to be needed so much like that, but sometimes, most of the time actually, I would wince when he would stare up at me with those wide, dark eyes and ask me to make him bleed, to make him fall to his knees, it crushed me inside.

Wasn't there any other way to show him how much I cared?

No.

Not to him, if I was strong, I was worthy of his affection.

And I had to prove my strength every night, every time he would slam me against a wall, and demand my attention, I would have to take in a deep breath and start throwing the blows, and in between the kisses, tainted somehow, by his bloodied and bruised lips, it felt worth it, but was it really?

If only I didn't feel that way, if only I could hit him without any inhibitions, then maybe he wouldn't have left, if I would have hit instead of hesitating...maybe he would have been the one to hit the ground, and I could have been the victor, and would have been deemed strong enough, worthy enough for him to stay.

But that didn't happen.

And he left.

It makes me wonder, now, in retrospect, did he ever really care about me?

Or was he only using me to meet his needs?

Everytime these questions come upon me, and the memory of our final encounter, the battle I lost, seize my remembrance, something inside of me breaks, it crumbles, like a wall, a dam, and when it breaks, a torrent, a flood, of water is released.

Drowning everything in it's wake, including me.

So now, not only am I drowning within myself, I'm now forced to watch all the memories of before float past.

And in such an effort to save myself, I grasp the nearest life-saving memory and climb aboard it, sailing atop the water crisis within me.

I might be safe for the time being, but what if the Memory-Boat became engulfed by my own personal deluge?

What if I sank?

Closing my eyes, I cling to the mast of the Memory, and in doing so I relive it, even if only to escape my harsh and fragile reality, the one I had been so recently questioning.

The Memory. The First.

We were training, Sasuke and I.

Kakashi had left to go and spar with Sakura, even though she was a lost cause, leaving Sasuke and I alone.

Standing feet away from each other, with equally stony faces, arms held to our sides, already equipped with kunai, and we were ready to fight.

It was the grim mood I was in, this determined fervor that often gripped me when I standing face to face to someone like this, with my blood near boiling, my body tense, ready to pounce and spring and slash.

Nothing, not even my ninja reflexes could prepare me for what was going to happen next.

In an instant Sasuke had me pinned to the trunk of a large tree, his kunai at my throat, and his face, not calm, but rigid and sculpted, as if we were bracing himself for something.

If I had known what that 'something' was, I wouldn't have acted as I did, but I didn't, so events proceeded just as I wished they wouldn't have.

I brought my knee forward and up into his gut, Sasuke lurched forward and clutched his abdomen, spittle and froth forming around his lips from the pain of my attack.

As I said before, Sasuke liked me to hit him, he knew it then, but I didn't, and when I retaliated, it gave him the perfect opportunity.

He came up suddenly from his crouched position, and seemingly forgetting about his aching stomach, he pounced on me and threw me to the trunk of the tree again, knocking the wind out of me, and while I was temporarily out of breath, he pushed my shoulders back, pressing my back firmly against the tree, and leaned forward, his eyes never leaving my face.

I could only gasp.

My insides had turned to mush.

My heart had seemingly stopped beating, and I was screaming in my head, or was it whispering?

I was so flustered, I couldn't even tell.

All I could focus on was the pressure on my lips, and the heat of sweet, hot, breath mixing with my own.

The delicious taste of Sasuke's flesh, albeit how foreign it tasted, was exotic and formed a ball of wriggling, intolerable heat in the pit of my stomach.

Setting fire to my insides, and burning me from the inside out.

My brain, hazy as it was, still managed to function and alert my body that it was time to breathe.

But me, with my weak constitutions, I was torn between the wonderful sensation of being temporarily merged with the object of my desire, and wanting to fill my now pathetically sized lungs.

In near desperation I shuddered, sending a chill down my own spine, and goosebumps upon my flesh.

Sasuke must have felt the slight convulsion of my figure, because he, using the smooth surface of the tree as leverage, pushed his body, and his decadent lips, off of my own, leaving me more than breathless and stunned.

As I, slowly, regained my focus, my eyes caught the quick movement of a smirk capturing Sasuke's previously parted lips.

Heart pounding at the thought of those lips, and were they previously were, and a wave of heat flooded my face, the horrible blush clashing terribly with my orange jumpsuit.

This, I noticed, caused Sasuke's smug smirk to widen into a satisfied, wolfish grin, and I, suddenly feeling very self-conscious turned my head in the opposite direction.

Trying my best not to look like the fool I was so often seen as, but failing miserably.

A grunt from Sasuke, and my head, which was reluctant to turn away in the first place, from the beautiful boy, had snapped back around, and I was mesmerized by his deep, onyx eyes.

With the casual flick of his wrist, Sasuke had pushed his ebony locks from his forehead, where they were threatening to obstruct his view, and began licking his lips, slowly, painstakingly so.

My eyes had begun to follow his pink tongue in their circular route along his thin lips, and my own tongue, much to my embarassment had begun doing the same.

Apparently getting the reaction he wanted from me, Sasuke stopped his taunting and crossed his arms over his chest, the grin slipping from his face, and the usual, more arrogant and distant expression taking over.

"That was terrible, but what can I expect? You are just an inexperienced boy."

And with that said, the moment was lost.

Buried beneath heaps of adolescent angst and attitude.

In a flash, I had regained myself completely and was shouting at the top of my lungs.

"YEAH!? WELL, YOU'RE JUST A BOY TOO SASUKE! YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN ME!"

Looking back at that moment, I realize how immature I was, seeing as how Sasuke had already left, leaving me ranting and howling wildly to the wind.

I think I was trying to be louder than my heartbeat, or maybe I was trying to drown out the cacophony of racing thoughts in my head...

Or was I trying to erase the kiss from existence?

Either way...after that day, I...we were never the same.

The Memory. The Second.

A few months after the incident and things had been going as normal as they could have, spare the odd moments when our eyes would meet, and certain suggestive thoughts would ignite at these glances.

Nothing changed.

Nothing at all until...we had just left the Village Hidden In The Mist, after facing off against a menacing, demon-like man, all of us, even the seemingly inpenetrable Sasuke and superior, only because he was older, Kakashi-sensei had been injured.

We were all shedding blood, and needed rest, but we forged ahead, trying to make it back home, so we could receive proper medical attention.

We were a full 24 hours away from Konoha, a mere walking distance for shinobi like us, but as I mentioned, we were exhausted and sore, and without complaint from us, and by the command of Kakashi, we had stopped to set up camp.

Sakura was in charge of gathering food, while Sasuke and I had to find some firewood, but seeing as how Sasuke's ego and more had been bruised during the fight, he had excused himself to go and brood in solitude, leaving me, with the painful task of gathering wood from an unfamiliar forest.

Irritated at the situation, especially since Kakashi was making no effort to find Sasuke or do anything really, a frown tugged at my lips as I stalked off into a random direction, chosen by my current disposition of anger.

As I marched through the tall forest, swatting at flies, and tripping over tree roots, while trying to keep my already battered self from further injury, I failed to hear the cascade of footsteps behind me, they were soft, but if I had been paying attention, I wouldn't have been caught off-guard.

In the split second it took for me to spy a rotting and fallen tree good enough for burning, a figure had pushed me from behind and knocked me down to my knees.

Wincing at the impact of the ground on my weak knees, I lowered my head and fet my chest constrict out of the pain my body was feeling.

I was kneeled down in this position, when the same figure that had got me down to my knees, had pushed me to the side, causing me to fall onto my back.

Vision turning white for a few moments as a terrible feeling ran down my tender spine, I groaned a little out loud, and when my vision returned, I felt stupid for doing so.

There was Sasuke, standing above me, with his usual repressed, yet noticeably hateful stare, penetrating my deep blue eyes, which at this point, I had narrowed.

"What are you doing idiot!? Why'd you push me?!"

Feeling empowered and angered with every word I spat, I managed to prop my self up on my elbows, even though it stung, and stare at him just as powerfully as he was to me.

He only curled his lip in disgust and kicked my leg, which sent me into a near spiraling rage.

Jumping up to my feet, and feeling my blood nearly bursting from my pores at the amount of adrenaline pumping through my body, I snarled and clenched my fists tightly, now standing dangerously close to the young Uchiha.

"What's your problem?!"

I couldn't help myself, I was trying to restrain myself, but the raging monster inside of me wanted revenge, so I complied, and I pushed him.

I pushed him hard.

I pushed him so hard, that I nearly toppled over, but I caught myself, just in time too.

I managed to catch the fleeting expression of disbelief on Sasuke's face, before he stumbled backwards and cut his leg on a jagged rock.

Seeing the blood on his calf, Sasuke furrowed his brow and watched mutely as it trickled down his leg, dripped down his sandals and became sticky between his toes.

Enraged, he lifted his head, and nearly frightened me with the hateful expression.

He clenched his jaw so tightly I could hear his teeth grinding, and then lunged.

The monster inside of me had withdrawn, and left me without an artillery.

I was helpless for the beating I felt I was going to receive, I knew it was going to hurt, but at least I wouldn't get hurt without putting up a fight.

I, at least, had the sense to spread my feet into a proper defense stance, crossing my arms in front of face, trying to provide an effective shield for myself.

I had braced my bones for the cracking sensation I knew I would feel, I tensed myself until it hurt, and after a few moments of holding myself so tightly, I merely shut my eyes tight.

Sasuke was upon me.

And he knew no mercy.

He swatted my hands to the side and dealt me a painful kick to my stomach, as I flopped forward, trying to clutch my pained abdomen, Sasuke had grabbed my hair and pulled my head, and ultimately, my whole torso upwards, and with a slight strain of himself, he threw me to the earthen ground.

I curled into a ball, gasping for breath, and all the while keeping my eyes shut tight.

Sasuke was breathing hard now, and he was silent, save for his ragged breathing, and when he stood over me, in what I felt was to deliver the final blow, I was, surprised, and somewhat relieved, that he simply fell onto me.

His legs had collapsed from beneath him and his head was lying on my chest.

His face was turned towards mine, and we were both breathing loudly and harshly from our mouths, so much so, I could smell the blood from the internal bleeding on Sasuke's breath, and he could probably smell the same on mine.

We laid like that for awhile, until Sasuke, had gotten to his feet again.

He dragged me up too, and we leaned against each other, too tired to stand on our own.

With what seemed like a lot of energy at the time, he spoke low and huskily, his throat probably constricted by the pooling saliva, and blood.

"Y-you've got to h-hit me now...hit me harder than I hit you..."

Confused at his sentence, in between pants I raised a wary brow at him.

"W-what?"

Becoming increasingly impatient, he shuddered and leaned back from me, standing on his own, but barely, repeating what he had just said.

"Hit me."

Not caring anymore about the absurdity of his statement, but acting purely on the pain I felt in my body and the nagging voice that had returned to my mind for revenge, I nodded slowly and began pulling my arm back.

My right shoulder throbbed with pain, but I kept on pulling my arm back, and after opening and closing my fist, preparing my hand for the shock of pain that would shoot up my arm, I brought it forward.

Sasuke stood still, and brought his downcast gaze up just as my fist made contact with his jaw.

He was silent, and that encouraged me to go on.

I drew my arm back again and aimed slightly lower, nearly cracking his collar-bone, and then, just as I was about to deal him another blow, right in the middle of his face, I saw it.

I saw his eyes.

They were watering, and dark.

The swimming tears he was trying to hold back were pushing to the surface, and threatening to spill.

Sasuke, the avenger of his clan, Sasuke, the distant nin, Sasuke...was crying.

I paused and stared in disbelief, and an odd mixture of regret.

I made him cry.

Dropping my raised fist, I watched, with wide eyes, as Sasuke lowered his head and used his left arm to wipe the tears away, he had stood up straight again, and was looking at his hands.

I held my breath and waited for what he was going to do next.

He surprised me, as usual.

He had walked closer to me, and raised his head.

His face was blank, but his eyes, there was something passionate about them, a glint of...something...

He leaned forward and softly pressed his lips against mine, closing his eyes briefly, before opening them again.

And at such a close range, I could nearly see the swirling emotion in him, it made my knees weaker.

Just to see how he was feeling, and how he was making me feel, it astounded me.

Pulling back, Sasuke brushed the hair from his face and then did the same for me.

He didn't smile, but he gently lifted the corners of his mouth, a hint that he was content, and brought his hand up.

He brought it all the way up and tangled it in the hair on the back of my head, he pushed me violently forward, and into his waiting lips.

This kiss, much more like Sasuke.

It was so sloppy, and rough, his labored breathing becoming even more so at the energy he was putting into our lip-lock.

His tongue was swabbing the insides of my mouth, and I tasted the blood, his blood, and felt disgusted.

I made him bleed.

I tried pushing away, but that only caused Sasuke to tighten his grip on me, and push his body closer.

He pulled away from my lips abruptly, and whispered in my ear, his hand still gripping the back of my head tightly.

"That hurt Naruto...it hurt...I didn't realize how strong you were..."

For some reason, the way he worded that simple statement, as if he were complimenting me and expressing his awe of my strength, caused a blush to taint my cheeks.

It felt odd to have the person I was just angry with kissing me and complimenting me, it felt so wrong.

But, if it's anything I've learned by being with Sasuke, is that even wrong can feel so right.

I stood still, while he leaned against me, catching his breath, and I looked forward, not staring at anything particular, but just looking away, as if I couldn't look at him.

And I couldn't, he burned my eyes.

Why did he want me to hit him?

Why did he like it?

Better yet...why did I like it?

The Memory. The Third and Last.

As much as I'd like to say that things didn't change this time, I can't, but I can say, that things changed.

Things became different, very different.

Our relationship as awkward and rough as it was, became the sole thing I lived for.

I made it through every day, just so I could see Sasuke at night, and we could tangle our bodies around each others, with backs slamming against the walls of my apartment, where these activites usually took place, and the hot breath escaping our lips in ragged pants the aroma of our lust.

I won't say I loved Sasuke, and he would probably never do the same, because it's true.

We didn't love each other.

We lusted, except for me, I can say I felt affectionate towards him.

I wanted to protect him, and make sure he didn't get too badly hurt, but I had to mask this feeling when he would grab my arm, just above my elbow, and squeeze tightly, his indication that he wanted to be hit.

I had to overcome that odd twinge pulling on my heartstrings and just let him have it.

It hurt me too, but he, even though he was the one getting hurt, would kiss me, and make my wounds, the ones I inflicted on my heart because of him, go away.

This night, was just the same rough-and-tumble routine that I had been following with him for the past two months, except this night...was the last time.

I didn't know, but once again, Sasuke knew, and he surprised me.

This night, he asked me to meet him outside, at the training grounds where we first kissed.

I agreed, only too eager to feel his flesh, and I ended up outside, waiting, alone, for him to show up.

It was windy that night, and slightly chilly, and I had my jacket zipped up to my neck.

I was easily susceptible to the cold, it gave me chills that not even Sasuke's kisses could rival.

I wasn't wearing my headband, I didn't think I would need too, it would only get tossed away during our moments of intimacy, so why bother?

It was because of this feeling, this comfort of the events that I thought was going to happen, why I didn't bring any of my ninja gear.

No, kunai, no shuriken, no headband, no weapons of any kind.

I only brought myself, and the clothes on my back.

I ran a hand through my hair and let the breeze play through my golden follicles.

It felt nice, and for a minute I wondered if Sasuke would ever do something so gentle and soft to me.

That idea was immediately rejected.

Not only because of how rough I knew Sasuke was, but because of his haphazard appearance.

He had arrived, late, but he came.

He was wearing his black one-piece suit, with his bandages, but he too, failed to wear his headband.

This caught my curiousity, but I disregarded it and smiled slightly.

"Where've you been?"

He only shrugged, and then I noticed the blank look on his face and in his eyes, which sent numerous warning bells ringing in my head.

Sasuke's eyes were never dull, there was ALWAYS some kind of passion in them, even if it was well hidden, but tonight, there was nothing, and I was worried.

"Sasuke?"

I took a few steps forward, and he took one step back.

Confused even more by this action, I raised an eyebrow and held out my hand, hoping that he would take it, hoping even that he would demand me to hit him, I was hoping for anything, really, to shake off the creeping suspicion that this might be the end of us.

Sadly, my suspicions were confirmed by what happened next.

Sasuke, had took my hand, but only to heave me up and over his back, tossing me carelessly to the ground behind him.

Stunned by his strength and by the pain that that lone attack caused, I laid on my back, shivering, from the cold and the hurt, staring up with wide eyes at Sasuke.

His back was still turned to me, but I knew my stare was searing through the back of his head and burning him, I knew it, because a split second later he had turned around, two kunai in hand, with a most murderous expression on his face.

"Hit me."

A gust of wind blew by that wasn't particularly cold, but added with the frigidity of his words, chilled me to the bone.

I knew this time he didn't want me to hit him for pleasure, he wanted me to hit him so he could hit me back.

He wanted a real fight.

He wanted the kind of fight where only one person survived as the winner, and I knew it wasn't going to be me

He was stronger than me, and that's why he liked to be hit, to feel weak for once, to feel like he needed to be protected, to feel inferior.

As I've said before, I've never liked hitting Sasuke whenever he asked me to, and he knew this, he used my weakness against me.

I couldn't hit him, I wouldn't, especially not now since he was serious, the one thing to keep him from getting his way was not to resort to violence, so I didn't.

I laid still on the ground.

Looking up at the night sky, and the distant, twinkling stars, wondering if they were even real.

He sighed loudly, and the next thing I knew, he was the winner.

He had won.

He was the victor.

The pain was unbelievable, it hurt so much, blood was everywhere, not even the Kyuubi inside of me could handle it, we were both wounded and whimpering.

All I could remember during the fight was black, lots of black, and then the red, because I bled.

Everything else was a blur.

Except for when I laid, sprawled on the ground, blood seeping from nearly every orifice on my body, my eyes almost completely swollen shut, and my ears throbbing, there was one thing I remember clearly.

It was of Sasuke.

I remember him pressing one of his kunai into my limp hands, and then clamping his own cold and pale hand over mine.

I remember how he did this so silently, and gently, and soft.

I remember how he lifted my hand, the hand he was holding, the hand he had put the kunai in, and thrust it into his chest.

I remember how blood had squirted out and how it thick and dark it was in colour, I remember how Sasuke dropped my hand and whispered a few last words to me, before walking away forever, before leaving me to be with someone he loathed, just so he could kill his brother.

I remember he said, "You made me bleed. You made me hurt. Thank you Naruto."

And then I remember more clearly than anything the black.

I opened my eyes.

I was greeted by the warm and waning sunshine of a brisk autumn day in Konoha.

The vibrant orange and red colours of the falling leaves creating a bright symphony of silent music for my alert ears.

The sky was pink and red, and yellow and some blue, of the summer skies, was still left, peeking behind the powerfully colourful array of light.

I smiled lightly.

All those memories, those were a long time ago.

And even though sometimes I get overwhelmed with them, and him and I need to revisit them, I still managed to move on with my life.

I might not ever feel for someone like I felt for him, but I can still live.

And that's what I plan on doing, that's what I am doing.

I'm living.

And sometimes I wish he would have never left, but I know now, it was for the best of us.

He got what he wanted, I hope, and I was allowed to leave knowing I had gained something called 'experience' and I left a little more wiser.

Still, though, in the dark of night, when I'm lonely, or even during the middle of the day, I still ache for his touch, and I'm even tempted to look for him.

But I don't ever.

He doesn't want to be found.

And even if he did, what would I say to him if I did see him again?

Something stupid probably, because I still am the same Naruto I always was, only a few years older.

I probably wouldn't say anything and expect my body language to speak.

But no, that wouldn't be fitting.

I know, I know what I would say.

I would thank him for the memories, even if they weren't that great.

Yes, that's what I'd do.

And then, I'd walk away.

I wouldn't expect him to follow, so I wouldn't look back.

I'd just walk away, because, that's how it is.

And I wouldn't change that, not for anything.


End file.
